My brain has been humming a lot recently, but not in a smart or good way. In a ‘trying to salvage my sanity’ kind of way.
As my time in training has now come to end and I am left in the ‘tween’ period, I have been having the typical post-education panic.
What am I going to do with my life? Where do I want to live? What do I want to do for my job? What is my aim for five years from now? Am I destined to be stuck in this ‘tween’ period forever?
“The ‘tween’ period,” I hear you ask? My definition of my ‘tween’ period is right between education and moving on from education. I am finished and have to start contemplating and making plans for real life whilst also still being obliged to stay in the education area, aka. Guildford for me. So whilst I wait for the time when I can move on I am stuck in limbo, which leaves more time for me to think and worry. Instead of cracking on with life, I am sat panicking about what I’m going to do and if I will get a job in time to keep me alive.
With so many people around me celebrating the end of their first year of university, instilled with excitement and comfort in the fact that they still have another two years before they have to face reality, I can’t help but feel grumpy. Even those about to leave university, like me, who are toasting champagne to their final exams make me feel cynical. Instead I’m toasting a cup of tea in my ‘FML’ mug writing a moody blog post.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not actually being moody; I’ve just got a lot on my mind. Questions that only time will answer. Decisions that one way or another I will probably regret one day; which destiny it will be, I don’t know.
I know that I’m not alone in feeling this way too. Many people I know, apart from the lucky few who know exactly what job they are going into upon graduation, feel just as lost going out into the world as I do. (And that’s not specific to performing; that is among general university degrees.) It isn’t as straight forward any more as to where your career will take you. You could train in a subject and wind up doing something the complete opposite, or take years to finally get a job in your chosen field.
In the long run, I believe that the main way to be successful the way you want, nowadays, is by making opportunities happen for yourself, by starting your own business for example. But you have to have the confidence, expertise and luck to make it work and we can’t all be business moguls.
So what do I want to do? I don’t know. I have many idealistic dreams in my head, but how to make them happen, I don’t know.
If I could, I’d just be a student forever. You have no obligations, no real pressure to be successful yet and have an excuse to only work part time and spend your money on alcohol and food. It’s not as much fun when you actually need money to survive.
Now, seeing as my laptop keys are starting to burn me, thanks to the sun, I just spent 5 minutes trying to find the laptop mouse and I am getting some seriously bad frown lines from squinting at my dim screen, I am going to enjoy this blazing sun and try to put my worries to one side for the rest of the afternoon.
I may as well enjoy this ‘tween’ period whilst I can because the real breakdown is yet to come, when I leave education completely. Ignorance is bliss. Denial is better.